Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
