His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Randomize
