1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
