For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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