Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
