his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
