Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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