Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
