i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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