There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
