i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
