does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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