I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
