Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
