All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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