were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
