I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
