Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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