Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
