So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
