Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
