fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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