I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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