someone threw a dead crab at me
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I have post one night stand depression
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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