I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
