I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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