I need to stop coming to work sober
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
