so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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