So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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