you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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