Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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