Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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