I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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