just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
