I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
