textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
