um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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