I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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