Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
