Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
