are you still at the devil's house?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
