I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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