its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
