Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
it's like iHOP with fire
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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