So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
