I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
