closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
