just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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