i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
