Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
