weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Someone shattered a urinal.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
