I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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