I am puke
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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