I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
