Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
